To the point of madness

Ugh, I have to get a little more personal than usual here.

My husband and I are going through some trying times.

It is our third anniversary and I told him to cancel the fancy reservations because I couldn't enjoy a nice dinner when I feel the way I do. The kiddos and I came back from a weekend at the cabin and I slowly found out a lot of things that went on in my absence.

My husband and I were raised very differently. He stepped up as the father-figure when his mom left his dad when he was nine. It sounds like he had a revolving door policy at his house while he was growing up. People must have come and gone, or stayed over, everyday. A lot of the things he was exposed to we're not even a part of my reality.

I was an only child in a straight-laced, slightly strict household. We were close with our extended family, everyone was on the straight and narrow and we were pretty sheltered. My parents gave me every opportunity imaginable and pushed me to be the best person I could be.

I met my husband when I returned home with a MS in Behavior Analysis. He was a laid-off flooring installer, living with his 6-year-old daughter and his ex. I was still coming out of college party-mode and he hadn't grown out of party-mode, and maybe never will lose the desire for that lifestyle. With my rose-colored glasses, I saw someone who must share my desire for family-life because he was always playing with his daughter and said all the right things to me.

My parents weren't thrilled with the match and he didn't make the best first impression. We soon decided to live together, in a house I purchases, and I talked him into an engagement soon after.

I take full responsibility for steamrolling through this process. I was 27, I wanted a family, and I was sure that was what he wanted too.

We closed on our house September 25, 2009. We were married exactly a year later on September 25, 2010. Two months after the wedding we found out I was pregnant and had our first child June 26, 2011. Six months later, we were pregnant with our second child and dealing with a mess with his daughter that eventually led to us obtaining primary custody before she was born on October 27, 2012.

So, things moved pretty fast.

I'm pretty sure my husband doesn't know what hit him. He still has a tendency toward playing part-time Dad, and thinks of his weekends without his daughter as his time to be kid-free. I know he would like to have friends over, work on his cars, and ditch all responsibility.

I am completely obsessed with this Momma-thing. I have never been more happy than I am with my kiddos. However, I have taken on more responsibility than I could ever imagine and it has changed me. I take care of the two little ones myself, keep on top of my husband who resists all responsibility whenever possible, and have taken on parenting a 9-year-old who has been exposed to some pretty bad examples and has issues with truthfulness.

It's been tough lately.

My husband and I have had more talks than I can stand. Nothing changes. He will resist at first, then listen to me, and then apologize and say he'll try to help out more. This happens Every. Time. I'm at the point now where I feel like he is a good person, but cannot accept his responsibilities or learn to be selfless and create the best environment for his children.

It feels a little hopeless...

That's the part that breaks through my cool, calm, collected Momma-has-got-to-do-this-herself shell. I love him and wonder if I can continue with this hopelessness. Is that easier than trying to really do it on my own?


Ok, this all sounds pretty bad, but I am determined to turn it around. Last Valentine's Day I created a picture frame memo board to give him some positive reinforcement when I was at the end of my rope. I used it as a way to still praise him for things and recognize when he tries, even if I was at the end of my rope and too exhausted to find something and say it out loud. I really searched for things to write for him at least once a week.

I think I'm on the right track, but I need to go a little further. I came across a story about Brad and Angelina on Facebook. Without knowing if the story is true, it really spoke to me. The quotation I took away from it and made my own is this, "if I love him to the point of madness, he will become it."

I'm going to be the best person I can, I'm going to ooze positivity, and I'm going to give him praise and love even when I don't feel up to it. I hope this will make me happier and, in turn, make him happier enough to want to embrace family life. I have high hopes and I feel lighter just having found that quotation!


If you stuck it out through this super personal, emotional dump of a post. What helps you accept all of your husband, and how do you make a conscious effort to keep your family unit strong?